I think I'm moving (but I go nowhere)
by stonesonearth
Summary: She never stopped. She never looked back. Never. Captain Hill one-shot, rated M for child abuse, self harm and attempted suicide.


**Thank you for all the reviews, favourites and follows. I'm truly honoured. **

**This is a story based on my own life experience. **

**A lot of angsty, with a little fluff towards the end. **

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><p>It was a cold, windy night. She was walking aimlessly on the street when the pale little girl approached her.<p>

'Ma'am, would you like to buy some flowers?'

The girl was around 5 to 6 years old, and she was wearing nothing but a plain, torn T-shirt in the cold, windy night. When the cold, bone-freezing wind blew in her face, she shivered and her face turned even paler.

'Please.'

The girl's voice was small and timid, as if she might hurt her anytime.

She looked into the basket that she was holding.

Crisp, fresh blue lavender.

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><p><em>She asked her father to decorate her room with all shades of blue, but she didn't get her dreamy room because repainting the room required a lot of money back at that time. Instead, her father bought her blue dresses, blue pencils and crayons. One day her father brought her a lavender. <em>

_It was blue._

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><p>'<em>Ria, look what Daddy's got for you!'<em>

'_Yay!' She leaped in joy when she saw the pastel blue pencil case in her father's huge, warm hand and tiptoed to kiss her father. 'Thank you Daddy!'_

'_You're welcomed, sweetie.' Her father smiled and brushed his fingers through her hair. 'Happy birthday.'_

_She looked at her father and noticed that there were tears in his eyes._

'_Daddy, why are you crying?'_

'_Nothing much, sweetie,' her father smiled and wiped his tears away. 'I- I was thinking of your Mummy. She loves you so much, sweetie. Promise Daddy you'll always remember Mummy, okay?'_

'_Yes Daddy I will.'_

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><p>She jerked her head a little to get that image out of her head.<p>

Realising the girl was still looking at her with little hope in her doe-like eyes, she removed her scarf and bent her knee to wrap it around the girl's neck. She then took off her sweater and put it on her.

'Do you feel better now?'

She nodded and sniffed. Her eyes were puffy. She knew the girl was now at the verge of crying.

'Where are your parents?'

'Mummy is selling flowers at the other end, and Daddy-' The girl trembled a little at the mention of her father. 'Daddy's always not at home.'

She smiled sadly and caressed her face.

'Give me all of them,' she said softly to the girl, watching her pale little face glowed up like the city lights around them. 'I love lavenders.'

'Thank- thank you Ma'am,' she held her hands agitatedly, almost dropping her basket of flowers. 'Thank you… Thank you so much.'

'How much would that be?'

Without waiting for her to answer, she took out her purse and gave her 100 dollars.

'This is- this is too much,' she stammered. 'Mummy says we must not be greedy-'

She took the basket from the girl's hand and took out all the lavenders. She then put her money inside the basket and passed it back to her.

'No Ma'am I can't take this-'

She smiled. 'I really love lavenders and I don't mind paying more.'

She walked swiftly away from the girl. After a while, she turned back and saw the girl running to a woman who looked like in her early thirties. They then walked to the subway station together, holding each other's hands.

She wondered how it felt like to have a mother.

She never knew her mother. She lost her mother the day she was born. When she was a child, her father used to tell her about her mother. Colour that her mother liked. The way she smiled. The way she laughed. The way she sang when she was cooking in the kitchen.

Her father told her she looked exactly like her mother.

Her neighbour told her that her father was a loving husband before her mother passed away, and he was still a loving father to her when she was a child. He used to hug and kiss her before he went to work and after he got back, but things changed when her father lost his job. He started drinking and swearing in words that were too terrible to name, and he lost his temper very easily when she started to ask questions about her mother.

'_The wrong person died that day you know,' her father said to her one day. His eyes were dark and he smelt like liquor. 'You should have died instead of her. You should be the one!'_

_He then threw the empty glass bottle at her._

_She ran back to her room but he slammed the door open and started hitting her with the plastic chair in her room._

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><p>She wiped her tears and walked faster.<p>

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><p>'<em>What the fuck is wrong with you?' he was holding her test paper in his hand. 'Your mother didn't die to let you can fool around in school!'<em>

'_Ms Garner set the paper, and the questions are really hard-'_

_He slapped her before she could finish her sentence._

'_You ungrateful brat,' he spat. 'Stay in your fucking room tonight and don't ever think about coming out.'_

_He never gave her any food that night._

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><p>The leaves made a rustling sound as the wind blew.<p>

She never stopped. She never looked back. Never.

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><p>'<em>Daddy, please-' She screamed and cried as he threw away her prized possessions, including the pastel blue pencil case. 'I'll be good, I promise-'<em>

'_You promise?' he laughed as she nodded in tears._

'_God made a mistake, you know,' he said to her. 'You're here only because He wants to punish me. You're nothing. Nothing at all.'_

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><p>She shook her head, trying to get those images and voices out of her head but it didn't help.<p>

She closed her eyes and laughed bitterly.

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><p><em>She always told herself her father loved her a lot, just that he had serious anger issues and he didn't mean it when he hurt her. However, she soon realised that she couldn't lie to herself anymore. Her father knew what he was doing. He knew what he did to her was hurtful but he never stopped.<em>

_People always said we should always look at the bright side but she didn't even have a single thing to look at. Her chest was full of bruises. Her back was covered by scars and wounds. Her memories were full of foul language and terrible names. She didn't have anything to look up to. She never had anything to hold on to._

_At the day of graduation almost everyone's parents showed up except for hers. She couldn't take it anymore, so she took out the blade hidden in her bag and ran to the bathroom._

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><p>'Young lady, are you alright?' she heard a female voice saying. 'Do you need any help?'<p>

The person touched her hand. She could feel the warmth of her small, wobbly hand.

'No thank you.' She murmured, still shutting her eyes and eventually she went away.

No one ever cared for her.

Even if there was, they never stayed for long. They would all leave her.

Wasn't that a sign that she was destined to be lonely for her entire life?

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><p><em>When the blade went through her skin, she felt the pain. It was not as painful as she'd expected but it was distracting and oddly soothing. For the first time in her life, she was able to temporarily forget about her aching chest, bruised back and all the emotional pains.<em>

_She watched her own blood oozed from the fresh cut. She didn't feel anything, probably because what she went through was much more painful than a blade could inflict. Then she made another cut on her thigh._

_She forgot how many cuts she'd made on herself until she finally decided to make the final cut. The single cut that could end all the pain and suffering._

_She leaned against the wall weakly and waited for the final end. She stared out of the window at her beloved sky. Since young she had always loved the sky and ocean, thinking she might see her mother someday. She always wanted to escape from this place, into the sky or ocean. She always wondered how it was like to soar above the sky, and to discover what lie beneath the ocean._

_But this was her ending._

_Cold, sad and lonely._

_And when the world became darker and everything turned vague, she heard a voice. It was soft, gentle, almost like a song._

_She wondered if that was the voice of angels._

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><p>No one ever came to her.<p>

She was all alone.

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><p><em>She was standing in front of a mirror. <em> _She looked different now._

_Taller, and older._

_Was she in heaven now?_

_She looked into the mirror again. This time she noticed her eyes were hazel brown instead of silver blue._

_She gasped and took a step back, and then she realised there was no mirror but a woman in front of her._

'_Ria.'_

_It was the same voice she heard before she died._

'_Mum?' she asked uncertainly._

_The woman smiled and nodded, then she ran to her and hugged her._

'_I- I'm sorry,' she sobbed. 'I never wanted you to die for me, Mum. I wish I'm the one who-'_

'_Hush, Ria,' her mother pulled back and wiped away her tears. 'I never blame you. It wasn't your fault.'_

'_But Dad said-'_

'_He said what he said, Ria. I wish he'd loved you the way he loved me,' her mother said sadly. 'But please forgive him, Ria. He'll come to his senses one day, I promise. Things would get better.'_

'_No,' she shook her head. 'No it won't, Mum. Nothing ever goes right for me.'_

'_Be brave, Ria, be strong,' her mother smiled. Her smile was identical with hers. 'Don't be afraid and don't run away when things go wrong.'_

_She shook her head._

'_Believe me, Ria. You'll achieve great things in your life, and someday you'll meet someone who loves you as much as I do.'_

_She shook her head again._

'_No I'm dead, Mum. I don't have a future anymore. That's why we're meeting here isn't it?'_

'_You're very much alive, Ria,' her mother held her hand. 'You have a long way to go.'_

_She stared at her mother in disbelief._

'_We're meeting here because I want you to know that I love you,' she whispered. 'I love you so much that I gave you everything I had to bring you to the world.'_

'_I know, but-'_

'_Don't disappoint me again, Ria,' Her mother whispered as she touched her wrist. 'Don't do this again.'_

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><p>'Ria-'<p>

A familiar voice crooned into her ears. Before she knew it, his large arms were around her, warm and tight. For a long moment both of them didn't say anything- or he didn't say anything, because when they were alone together he was always the one who started the conversation.

'Where- where have you been?' he was slightly out of breath, like he'd just finished a race. 'God, you're shivering.'

'I'm fine, Steve, really. No I don't need this-' she tried to protest (but failed) as he quickly took off his jacket and put it on her. 'You went to get coffee so I just walked around. I- I didn't realise I walked that far.'

'Ria, next time please tell me if you want to go somewhere else. Don't just walk away like that.'

She looked at him apologetically. She could imagine his face when he realised she disappeared.

'I'm sorry.'

'It's okay.'

He shook his head. She smiled a little but he didn't smile back as usual, and then she noticed his eyes were red.

'I was so, so scared. I- I thought-' He paused for a while. 'I thought you'd run away. I thought I'd never see you again.'

'No you didn't do anything wrong. I- I just-'

She knew he loved her, and that she loved him back, but she also knew she might run away from him again because there were still days when she got scared. Scared of losing him. Scared of losing everything she had now.

'I love you,' he held her and whispered in her ears. 'Don't run away from me.'

'_Don't run away when things go wrong.'_

She nodded and held him back.

He held her even tighter.

'I won't leave you alone, I promise.'

She knew he always kept his promises. She trusted him.

'Where do you get the flowers from?' he asked when he pulled back a little, looking at the lavenders in her hand.

'I bought them from a little girl.'

Her eyes widened in surprise when she noticed he got the same lavenders.

They walked back to the Tower slowly. The night was still windy, but she felt warmer now as he placed his arm around her waist, holding her gently so that she could walk steadily.

'Got a name already?' he asked.

She nodded. 'I wrote it somewhere.'

'Can I name her?'

'Not a chance.'

'Then can you tell me-'

'Nope.'

'Hey, I'm her Daddy-'

'Sorry, I promise Tony I won't tell you before I told him.'

'Please Ria, please.'

'No Steve I've promised- Hey, I thought we had a rule about tickling!'

'I'm not exactly a rule follower- Wait, don't run Ria! I said you're not supposed to run until you had the baby-'

'I'm not exactly a rule follower too!'

They laughed together when he caught her in his arms. They then walked into the Tower together, knowing that Tony, Pepper and everyone else were waiting for them to have supper together.

For the first time in so many years, she felt that she had a family.

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><p><strong>A friend told me this when she found the cuts on my arm. <strong>

**'No matter how hard life gets, the sun will always come out the next day, so does the rainbow after the storm.'**

**Thank you, for being here always.**


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